Dina Stalks Reality

There was a time when I felt that love was nothing I can feel or something similar, as if love like Crazy Horse, is being built and built, being built with the widest face near other wide faces, its actually very small, Mt. Rushmore, you tell me, very small, indeed.

This love I'm speaking of, is what I thought at one time I wanted but I do not because it is complicated and extreme, you know, like when the muscles in your cheeks seize from laughing too long, when you are doing nothing wrong and someone yells at you anyway.

Deep down inside, I feel like a failure. I feel like something that has not even begun, half-way through life, at the end or beginning, birth me anyway in a city far away, I want to be reborn, I am putting on too much eye makeup, I am putting on too much mascara. I am waiting outside of the ballroom on the sidewalk it is snowing and it is freezing, the streets are all headlights and train whistles and people hailing cabs. Before I knew what a city was I had a vision of this scene, I am waiting for you or something like you to happen. My hair in a dancer's bun. Why am I in this doorway, why do I see things like this anyway. You are late to pick me up, you are late and I am fretting. You are down the street at the church saying prayers. Even though it has only been an hour it feels as if time is much larger than this moment and moving very slowly, steeping, steeping.

We are in the city and now the desert, huge arch shaped rocks larger than five men. I had a deep dream that someone was killing our mother, because now our mother is conflated, now our mother is the same mother, dear Dan, I had a dream Mother was dead and I woke up weeping and holding myself even in a bed full of other people. I wept for one hour straight after I woke. I could not stop thinking of her head in someone's hand, her neck veins hanging down to the ground, her eyes so hollow, beheaded but how. What year is this? Who gets beheaded anymore?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: It is so strange to know streets so intimately but also know you will never return to those streets ever again. When my heart breaks, I am even further. Hopefully one day, everything will stop.