In a way, its like, what am I doing with my life, and in a way, its like, I'm already doing what I set out to do, in a way, its like, I'm practicing for the future without even realizing I had a future to begin with, do you know what I mean when I say that the future is not real for me anymore, do you know what I mean when I say that, Nu Ma said to Ol' Ma.
Ol' Ma shakes her head, the world of possibilities are endless. They are jumping on a trampoline the size of a sweet potato and pushing each other off, playing war, as they call it, we are going to war.
Ol' Ma is teaching Nu Ma how to survive in this world. They are tired and their calves hurt and all they want to do sit so they do, in the shade of the large log cabin. The log cabin has stenciled flowers on the kitchen floor, violet and maize, what does that mean, to call something corn when it ain't, Ol' Ma says.
Ol' Ma says down the road there are these twins that are stuck together, they are stuck together, don'tcha know, they are stuck together, fused.
What you mean, says Nu Ma, no babies can be born that way.
Ol' Ma says, yes they can, and when they are, we throw 'em away, we gotta tradition round these parts, you just throw 'em completely away if they are bad like that, you know, you can't keep the bad ones away, you just gotta get rid of 'em. I got three mine shafts in my property for just that, disposin of those monster babies.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Dina in Splitsville
I knock on your door and you don't answer. I hear you wrestling around in the background through groans and you swear something I cannot hear and you keep swearing, you open the door, what do you feel, how do you feel, surprise.
Through the picture window the sky writer again, tell me the words that weren't ever meant for me in the first place. I am snorting cocaine and watching the world weep for you, the sky cries for you, rainy days are my absolute favorite, I detest the out-of-doors.
Through the big picture window, I am watching us walking into the water below hand-in-hand and if you drown first, I will go to. If you go, I go, too. Isn't this how this pact was signed.
Weird things always happen when we are together. You receive a love letter written in blood, you receive a sign to walk into the water below the house, the picture window where when we looked up we saw someone looking down but no one has lived in that house for years. A face looks down at us. It is not us looking at us. Who is looking at us. No one has lived in that house for years.
You receive flowers and you destroy them. You receive flowers to the funeral home one year later, someone has just found out, someone from your past has just found out, they are sending flowers now. Isn't this what you always wanted, to know someone cared beyond what you thought they did?
I knock on your door of your parent's house to get a good look at your mom, a better look at your dad, we are floating in between the spaces of lying and forgetting, of protecting whatever relationships are most important at the time and being able to rely on something bigger than whatever that is. We are in this in between space together, what does this even mean. I am looking at your mother, I am looking at your father, they both look so much older because of us.
It is raining, look at the rain. Brick outside of this window in the city, the picture window left on a beach to fill with sand and wild animals, there is a cheetah, there is a lion. Shhh, we crouch and wait, no sudden movements, do not turn your back, do not run, make yourself bigger than them and if they swipe at you, fight back, it has been known that people have survived through fighting back. I go to Whole Foods 100 times a day, might as well live there. I am even more ornery in person, I am even more grumpy than I used to be standing in the frozen food section of Whole Foods because even in the best, most healthiest grocery store in the country I can find the shittiest food to eat.
How much do you weigh now, you ask. A portion of spontaneous abortion around my waist, I carry these words of Rilke's in my body like pregnancy, things given and things taken away. What size is your waist now, I want to order you a dress. What size is your waist now, I want to order you a life.
It is raining, you deserve something better than things. I am taking a good look at your parents and I am running back to my car, I am driving fast to the other side of town, I am going to tear this custom made dress off my body and throw it to the water, I am going to drown myself tonight.
Through the picture window the sky writer again, tell me the words that weren't ever meant for me in the first place. I am snorting cocaine and watching the world weep for you, the sky cries for you, rainy days are my absolute favorite, I detest the out-of-doors.
Through the big picture window, I am watching us walking into the water below hand-in-hand and if you drown first, I will go to. If you go, I go, too. Isn't this how this pact was signed.
Weird things always happen when we are together. You receive a love letter written in blood, you receive a sign to walk into the water below the house, the picture window where when we looked up we saw someone looking down but no one has lived in that house for years. A face looks down at us. It is not us looking at us. Who is looking at us. No one has lived in that house for years.
You receive flowers and you destroy them. You receive flowers to the funeral home one year later, someone has just found out, someone from your past has just found out, they are sending flowers now. Isn't this what you always wanted, to know someone cared beyond what you thought they did?
I knock on your door of your parent's house to get a good look at your mom, a better look at your dad, we are floating in between the spaces of lying and forgetting, of protecting whatever relationships are most important at the time and being able to rely on something bigger than whatever that is. We are in this in between space together, what does this even mean. I am looking at your mother, I am looking at your father, they both look so much older because of us.
It is raining, look at the rain. Brick outside of this window in the city, the picture window left on a beach to fill with sand and wild animals, there is a cheetah, there is a lion. Shhh, we crouch and wait, no sudden movements, do not turn your back, do not run, make yourself bigger than them and if they swipe at you, fight back, it has been known that people have survived through fighting back. I go to Whole Foods 100 times a day, might as well live there. I am even more ornery in person, I am even more grumpy than I used to be standing in the frozen food section of Whole Foods because even in the best, most healthiest grocery store in the country I can find the shittiest food to eat.
How much do you weigh now, you ask. A portion of spontaneous abortion around my waist, I carry these words of Rilke's in my body like pregnancy, things given and things taken away. What size is your waist now, I want to order you a dress. What size is your waist now, I want to order you a life.
It is raining, you deserve something better than things. I am taking a good look at your parents and I am running back to my car, I am driving fast to the other side of town, I am going to tear this custom made dress off my body and throw it to the water, I am going to drown myself tonight.
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